So basically, miscarriages suck.

I know y'all didn't even know I had been pregnant, but I was. We found out I had miscarried during my second sonogram. The fetus never developed. The following day I had it surgically removed via a D and C (a.k.a. DNC) or Democratic National Convention as Billy announced when he Googled it to see what D.N.C. stood for.

Yes, I cried...gut, snot, ugly cried about every 15 minutes the first 36 hours after we found out, and yes, I felt extremely bipolar because I tried to stay positive and just as I got to a point of feeling good and even smiling, the smile cracked back into gut, snot, ugly crying. After two days of trying to control the tears, on the third day I gave in to the pain and stayed in bed and cried all morning and most of the afternoon. After that I was a little better. I still cry sometimes. For the past few months I've been trying to focus on the positive things in my life (I have SO much to be grateful for) and that positive thinking has to continue even in the hideous face of a miscarriage.

If you know me in real life, you know if anybody can find the bright side of having a miscarriage, that anybody is me. I've been doing everything I can to keep from throwing myself into depression over this. So far so good.

Don't get it twisted. This is hard. Y'all don't know how many times over the years we thought I was pregnant and took pregnancy tests weekly until what I thought were pregnancy symptoms just turned out to be pre-menstrual...and those symptoms were only sometimes followed by a real period, keeping us hopeful that the next test would be positive. Eventually we found out I had some reproductive issues. Then finally, all of a sudden I was pregnant. And then all of a sudden I wasn't.

Still, in the spirit of showing gratitude to God for all my life experiences (fortunately the good outweigh the bad) and the lessons they teach...of my unwavering gaze on the bright side...and of my typical Virgo need to make lists, I give you...

My 10 Things I'm Grateful For In Light Of My Miscarriage List:

1. My genetically flawed baby was rejected rather than born to me, so I have another chance at having a healthy baby.
2. We know now that we can conceive without drugs. The pregnancy was a total surprise. I've never taken birth control because I don't believe in chemically interfering with my reproductive business and was not at all amused by the irony that after passing on drugs to prevent pregnancy, I'd end up having to take drugs to get pregnant. Now, I know I don't have to and that's awesome.
3. Now, since we know it's possible, we'll start actively trying to get pregnant again asap.
4. Now, I know for sure that I'm ready to be a mom. I've never been more sure.
5. We get another shot at having twins! Long story short, the odds of me having twins are overwhelmingly high.
6. I can move forward with my home painting, planting and art projects without concern for fumes or overexertion.
7. I can lose these last 40 pounds to get my college figure back!
8. We can continue with the financial adjustments we made when we found out I was pregnant, which is going to significantly beef up our nest egg. We're saving my salary and living off of Billy's income to get a feel for what it'll be like once I'm a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) or Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker according to Heather B. Armstrong).
9. I have another chance to go to Europe before I'm 30 and before kids. We'd been talking about going this year (our anniversary in the spring or this summer) and now it's totally doable...and somewhat necessary. And last, but certainly not least...
10. COFFEE! Real live caffeinated coffee! I brewed a full pot the day I found out we weren't going to have a baby and drank every drop. It's hard to be down for too long when caffeine's back in your life.

Bonus Thing: Mango Margaritas.

Comments

[L. Britt]

I know I've never met you, but the first thing that came into my head when I read your post was: "my darling!" I'm so sorry for your loss and so happy you are who you are because only you would make mango margaritas a bonus. If I could hug you, I would.

[summer]

Quel, I really don't know what to say. That was so amazing for you to share with us so honestly. And as you know, I'm here for whatever mood you're in that day -- mango margaritas or a shoulder to cry on.

[Anali]

Quel - I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this difficult time, but I'm really happy to know that you can see the bright side! You seem like the sweetest person and I'm sure you are going to be a great mom! Take care!

[StillaMomma]

I am so sorry you miscarried. I know that pain and it is really bad. You sound good though. I am glad that you are healing.

[Sally Miculek]

Oh, Raquel. I just don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry and so impressed all at once. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you. Sooo hard, this. But I'll be thinking hopeful thoughts for you to get your twins next go-round.

[Paula Coleman -Hollins]

OMG!!!! I'm so sorry, 'Quel! I had no idea. I love you. Your body is blessed and you WILL have as many children as you and Billy want. Be encouraged, 'cuz!

[GC]

:(

:|

:) number 5!

Anything I could think to say would be so trite and so pointless. But I want you to know I'm thinking about you and Billy.

[Mwabi]

gurl, what a post. Thank you for sharing, knowing full well you didn't have to. And this 10 things list speaks volumes of your character. I don't even know what else to say.
(((hugs))) girl. Stay well.

[Berry]

Thanks for sharing this with us. It is part of your healing. God HAS blessed you with sooo many wonderful things (namely a lovely family and great dogs!) and you and hubby have had a chance to really bond and make your marriage strong before bringing a little person into the equation. When it is time, the union between you, hubby and babies will be even stronger. Stay blessed.

[e]

Quel - Thanks for sharing such an honest and important moment in your life with us. And to retain your positive outlook still . . . it's just amazing.

[Nikki]

I know it's a difficult time for you, but I also feel that things will get better. My best friend miscarried her first child and pushed everyone away, including her husband. Luckily, she realized that the best thing for her to do was to pray and hold onto the love of her friends and family. And soon after, she became pregnant again, which is usually what happens when most mother's don't carry the first child to term.

So hold onto God, family and friends. All will be better if you believe.

[terri]

paula pretty much summed it up for me as any words i say would be kinda trite. but you know i love you to the ends of the world and back. it's because in the face of adversity you simply shine and make me proud to be a woman and strive to walk through life with as much grace as you do. okay, i'm going emo, later...

[bunny]

Your honesty in such a private and painful experience is an awesome thing to behold. Just wanted to chime in and say one of my closest friends miscarried as well but then she became pregnant very soon after...with twins and no meds either ;-)

God is good and with your totally positive outlook on life you and your hubby will continue to be blessed.

[Ja'n Gurl]

Quel ... I am truely sorry for your loss. I know I cannot even begin to know what u are feeling or going through ... but I pray that you both will be blessed soon ... and blessed abundantly

[jdid]

not sure how one responds to a miscarriage. there dont seem to be words deep enough to convey a feeling of sorrow.

strangely enough you're about the fourth person i know in the last year or two who's miscarried. on a positive note one of those ladies just had a beautiful little boy last month just over one year after the miscarriage so I hope you too will soon have a successful pregnancy. with god anything is possible. take care

[Quel]

Thanks y'all!

[Honest]

Quel thanks for sharing what is clearly a difficult situation. You and Bill are in my prayers and based on your positive attitude I am sure you'll be posting about your new loved one soon.

[Cymple]

Aaaawwwww. *hugs* I can only imagine how hard it must be. I hope you're doing better. You know when seemingly bad things happen, God has a better plan for us. Keep your head up!

[moncler winter jackets]

Thanks, I'm going to have nightmares tonight.