Homegirl Quel (kel) in Austin

Black Stay-At-Home Moms, Welfare, Public Perception & The Media

Me with my son in 2010.

I wasn't going to write about this for two reasons: 1. I 'd be too emotional about it since it is my life--as you'll see in one of the articles I will link to below--I can't look back too fondly on my entry into this life. It was a disheartening experience that I went through with the support of my sister and one of my best friends. It took the wind out of my sails and dashed the dream I had about what being a stay-at-home mom would be like. As a result, most of my stay-at-home-mom friends don't live in my neighborhood--and that's okay. And 2. Other writers, like the ones I will link to below are way more informed and well-versed on the topics, have done a great job of making lots of points that I agree with, and are probably way smarter than me. 

What I will say though, is that I have seen some other sites pick these articles up and some of the comments there and on Facebook make it very clear that some people see the title of the pieces, get angry at seeing the word " black", and don't read it before sharing their opinions. One person asked, how are black-stay-at home moms any different from other stay-at-home mom. The answer is that our existence isn't accepted as easily as that of white stay-at-home moms and we constantly have to justify our existence and explain our choices. Historically, black mothers have moved from working side-by-side with their men in the fields, to working alone taking care of the homes and families of white women, to gaining access to education and working in other careers. Historically, black mothers work. This stay-at-home mom business is seen as a "white woman thing". In Lashaun Williams' post on The L Factor, she explains,

"The female experience has differed for white women in this country, as they have historically been expected to simply look pretty, stay home and have babies. While they felt trapped in a sea of domestication, black mothers longed to devote more time to their own children."  

One comment I saw online said that a black stay-at-home mom is called a welfare mom. It is so sad how in political, and lets face it, plain terms "stay-at-home mom" connotes white, married moms who live in the suburbs and "welfare moms", black, single moms living in the hood. I can't even start on the unfair stereotypes assigned to black single moms vs white single moms, but rest assured I'm annoyed by that too. 

I blame the media. Yep, I said it. Why else would the prevailing opinions about welfare recipients be so completely unaffected by the actual facts?

• Public Perceptions: Most welfare moms are black. Mostly black people benefit from welfare and food stamps. 
• Fact: Nine(9) percent of food stamp recipients are black — and 84 percent are white. 
• Fact: Nationally, 39 percent of welfare recipients are white, 37 percent are black.

Confirmation

Every once in a while, it's nice to get a little feedback on one's job performance. As a stay at home mom, there are no employee reviews, bonus checks or raises to let me know whether I am on the ball or not.

However, my boss did check in with me yesterday. I had just finished helping him get dressed. He hugged me and this is what he said:

"Momma, you're my best girl. You're just the right mommy for me."

Overall Performance: Satisfactory

That Moment When You Almost Beat Your Kid

I don't hit my kid. I have been told that I talk to my son too much and don't beat him enough. My response is usually something like, "We're humans, so I prefer to talk. If I was a lion, I'd bite him on the neck and wrestle him or something, but fortunately, we have words and languages and such." I have also been told that I'm being directly disobedient to God for not hitting my child. My response to that is usually silence and a blank stare...because what's the point of arguing with that.  I don't hit my kid....as a rule. Have I broken that rule, say, on two separate occasions, both involving me trying to get a two year old to sit still and quiet in church and both times having him hit and/or kick me out of frustration? Yes. Both times, I hit him back, on the back of the offending hand before dragging him screaming out of church and to the car. He was 2. Both times, I felt horrible about hitting him, because it was totally my fault. Hitting me was his way of saying, "Mom! What the hell?! I'm two! I got places to run around and dinosaur sounds to make. Get me out of here!" I heard him loud and clear. Until he's much older and has developed alittle lot more impulse control, I'll only take him to kid's Sunday School. That last time I hit him was the last time I took him into a church sanctuary.  That last time I took him into a church sanctuary was also the last time I wanted to hit him. Until last Saturday. 

Soular Foods Community Garden Winter Planting

Last Saturday, my husband son and I joined RawBella, Mr. Hoover (of Hoover's restaurants) and helpers at the GMZ Soular Foods Community Garden in East Austin. We planted winter vegetables and strawberries and had a great time during the process. My 3.5 year old probably had the most fun. Here are a few pictures of him and others hard at work...

Zack,  "I like planting SOOOOOO much."

I'm Back! From a much needed tropical vacation.

I am back off a 17 day visit with my in-laws in St. Vincent & The Grenadines. We have been back there many times since my husband brought me to meet his family after we had been dating for almost 2 years in 1998. It is a small island and does not change much, so it always feels like home when I am there. This was our third time taking our son, but it was different because he is 3 years old now and really got to know his aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. We went to the same beach and posted up under the same almond tree every day, as usual. Mostly, we just sat around my in-laws' house-- windows and doors open--or on the porch enjoying the breeze and the constant flow of visitors. My husband and I left our son with his folks and took a ferry over to a resort on Bequia, a neighboring island, for two nights to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary together.

There is nothing like taking a break from the every day routine with the family, especially if you are a stay at home mom. For 17 days, I got a break from the busyness of taking care of a child, getting in gym time and running a household and all that entails, and my husband got a break from work and other obligations that keep me handling most of the details of daily life by myself. He relaxed completely, his Caribbean accent got thicker and his skin tone got darker (#WIN and WIN). We got to be boo'ed up all the time and sneakin' and freakin' in his parent's house when we could. Even with a 3 year old running around, it felt like old times. Seventeen days was just enough time for us to remember why we bother to be bothered with family life.

The routine at home is the same. He's busy. I'm busy. My 3 year old is bossy. But we're still a little high, running of fumes from our family vacation. If we're lucky, that will sustain us until our next one. 

Here are a few pics:

What I learned: My First Week Home With A Sick Child

Three things...

1. The voice for the school of fish in Finding Nemo is the same one for Mack in Cars. I watched Finding Nemo, whilst also being my sons human recliner, about 15 times (totally not exaggerrating and may, in fact, be underestimating) over the 10 days we were home fighting his fever. I let him choose his TV entertainment, and the boy loves Finding Nemo. We also watched Wall-E about as many times. And speaking of Wall-E...soundtrack...awesome?! One google search and the whole world of soundtracks for non-musical Disney films was before me. Before I became a mom, I swore I wouldn't be a Disney mom. I don't know how this happened. Just please lord, don't let me ever have a girl. I'm not sure I could stomach the princesses.  
2. I missed my daily morning gym time. I've grown so use to the little conversations and interactions with my gym peeps that I missed that about as much as I did my actual workouts. I didn't realize how much that time accounts for my daily social life. The gym is like my office, if I had a nine to five. I talk to people all throughout the day on the phone and online, but apparently I really value talking to people, even casual acquaintances, in person. 
3. As much as I missed my gym time, I learned that I actually miss being a real stay at home mom. Technically, since my son is in school full-time now, I am a mom who does not work outside the home. There's no mothering going on during the day. I had no idea how much I missed doing it all day. The hugs, the little teaching opportunities, the hugs (I know I said that twice). Glad we're looking to grow our family soon. It's definitely time. 

"She only drinks coffee at midnight when the moment is not right...

...Her timing is quite unusual."  Train wrote those lyrics about Virginia, but that line sounds a lot like Raquel these days.

I feel like my day starts at 9 o'clock at night and there's no real "night" for me. Around 9, my son goes down for the night. Once he's out, I take a good, longer than necessary shower. Then, if Billy hasn't cooked, I'll make a quick dinner, which is usually something like a breakfast--the favorite this week was an okra, onion and egg omelet with smashed potatoes. Then I'll clean the kitchen while the coffee pot is brewing. When the kitchen's done or the coffee is ready, whichever comes first, I have a seat on the sofa next to Billy and log on to the Internet to catch up on emails, blogs, celeb gossip and political happenings while I have my coffee. Then if I'm not in the mood to read, I watch old episodes of my favorite shows on the network websites. I watch online because Billy's usually watching the playoffs or nothing interesting is on tv at that time of night. These days I'm re-watching Lipstick Jungle on abc.com. It's like Sex and the City except better. Then around midnight we lock the house down, settle the dogs in and then settle ourselves in. The boy usually wakes up around 2:30 am to eat so from midnight to about that time, while Billy's asleep, I'm lying in bed resting and listening to talk radio over Billy's sleep-breathing and the low hum of the baby monitor waiting for my son's call. On a good night, I'll fall asleep and he won't call until much later if at all like this morning when I had to wake him up at 7 am only because my boobs were about to pop.Then it's me and my boy, playing nursing and napping until my day starts again around 9 at night. Almost three and a half months into this motherhood thing and I think I'm starting to feel like I'm catching a rhythm.

It's 10:55 pm now. The Laker game just ended and I'm finishing my coffee and this post.

Goodnight and Good morning.